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Gensler Suffers Withdrawals After Being ‘Addicted To Suing’

Concerned colleagues say Gary Gensler is suffering withdrawal symptoms after not suing anyone for a whole week.

“He’s a mess”, a colleague who wished to remain anonymous told Planet Crypto. “He’s sweating, he’s irritable. You can see him pacing up and down his office, trying to call his lawyers for a fix.”

According to our anonymous source, the Chair of the SEC’s addiction to suing began socially some 12 months ago. “At the start, we’d be at a bar after work and he’d come back from the bathroom all pumped up, saying, ‘Hey, just sued Kim Kardashian for schillling a shitcoin’, and we just thought, ‘It’s a stressful job, he’s just letting off steam.’ Then the next week he’d sue Jake Paul and Lindsey Lohan. Then the week after, Floyd Mayweather, Paul Pierce, Elon Musk even. I guess we should have been worried when he tried to sue the richest man on earth, but he insisted he had it under control.”

But around six months ago, Gensler sank further into addiction. “He changed his license plate to ‘I SU U’, and suing one person at a time suddenly wasn’t enough. He’d go on these benders where he’d line up whole organisations – Paxos, Gemini, Kraken – suing hundreds or thousands of people at a time. He’d come into the office looking like crap and it was obvious he’d been up all night, litigating his ass off.”

When Gensler sued crypto giants Coinbase and Binance within the space of 24 hours, colleagues finally confronted him. But the intervention did not go well. “We urged him to go to SA (Suers Anonymous) but two of the steps he just refuses to do. In Step 3, you agree to turn your will over to a Higher Power, but Gary believes he’s the highest authority there is. And in Step 9, you have to make amends with people you have hurt, but Gary is still convinced that he’s suing everyone for their benefit.”

Until their boss agrees to accept help, it seems Gensler is bent on a path of self-destruction. As his colleague sighed, “When you see the grey, hollowed out, joyless man that he’s become, it’s sad to think he’s only 25.”