View Daily Crypto Trends

The Secret Diary Of Sam Bankman-Fried Day 59: Banned From Devices?! No Way!!

Banned From Devices?! No Way!!

Here at Planet Crypto, we’re proud to publish extracts from SBF’s diary, as he remains under house arrest in his parents’ basement…

‘Day 59 under house arrest… Dictating today’s diary as my fingers are greasy from KFC. Tried wiping them on my bedsheets but they are even greasier.

The prosecutors on my case have CROSSED THE LINE. They think they can stop me discussing it by monitoring my phone and internet? They must think that because I’m hot I must also be DUMB.

I’ve started getting my thoughts out in ways they can’t even CONCEIVE. Like last night, I used the smart fridge to order Feta, Trout, Xtra-gum and Liquid-baby-formula. So now everyone at Amazon fulfilling my order knows that FTX was LIQUID. Yeah, suck on that prosecutors, like I sucked down two litres of baby formula today.

Then this morning I asked Alexa to play songs by Slipknot, Gil Scott-Heron and Ice-T so anyone passing the house knows I am KNOT GIL T! Boom! How do you like them apples? What the?… no, shut up smart fridge, I’m not ordering apples.

Then I spelled a message on the carpet in peanuts and got the robot vacuum to clean it. So anyone that hacks into my vacuum app can see the route it took spelled JUDGES SUCK! Yeah! What? No robot vacuum, I’m not asking you to suck, go to sleep!

So my message to the dumb lawyers is clear – if you think you can silence me, remember, all technology dances to my tune. But if you wanna play, LET’S PLAY, DICKS! What? No Alexa, I don’t want to play Dixie Chicks! No, smart fridge I don’t want chicken strips, wake up! No vacuum, don’t wake up! Agh, dictation off!’