He’s a Witch! New York Finally Cracks the Case

After months of exhaustive investigation, the state of New York has finally reached a groundbreaking conclusion: Donald Trump is, in fact, a witch. The former president failed all the classic witch-hunting tests, including the notorious “looky witchy” assessment and the ever-reliable “made of wood” trial. Experts confirm that his inability to float like a duck sealed the deal.

The judge overseeing the case is said to be leaning toward the traditional punishment of burning at the stake, though concerns have been raised about whether Trump will ignite as expected. “Given his legendary ability to deflect heat, we’re not sure if this is going to work,” noted one prosecution lawyer. “If he spontaneously combusts, we’ll know justice has been served. If not, we’ll chalk it up to fake flames.”

Whatever the outcome, this marks the first time in modern history that a politician’s alleged sorcery has been thoroughly tested in court. Whether he burns, fizzes, or smokes, history is sure to be set ablaze.