To the fanfare of a thousand silent trumpets, this week fake-faced emotion-avoider Mark Zuckerberg announced his new headset for accessing the virtual world of the Metaverse, the Quest Pro, priced at an eyebrow raising, wallet emptying $1500.
After the announcement, Planet Crypto caught up with its very own Head Of Technology, Professor Hans Wirklich, to get his opinion on the Quest Pro.
PC:
Professor, thanks for joining us.
PHW:
I had no choice. My contract is very clear on that matter. If I refuse to do anything the company asks, I will be thrown into a tank of over-excited robotic underwater spaniels who will lick me to death.
PC:
That’s an unusual clause in a contract.
PHW:
I know. But I insisted on it. How else am I to test my deadly aquatic robo-dogs?
PC:
Right. So… the Quest Pro—
PHW:
Ach, a useless piece of scheisse. I have invented many many different ways into the Metaverse which are much cheaper and better.
PC:
Such as?
PHW:
Well, I call this method the Mind’s Eye.
PC:
I can’t see anything…
PHW:
That’s because you simply close your eyes and imagine. You can do way more interesting and convincing things than in the Metaverse.
PC:
Such as?
PHW:
Well, you could try to imagine punching Mark Zuckerberg repeatedly in his smug face.
PC:
That does sound fun…
PHW:
I find it very relaxing. But if you want more, you can always step up to our Hyper-Brain package.
PC:
That’s… an alarm clock and a tin of instant coffee.
PHW:
The alarm clock goes off every five minutes in the night, thus stopping you sleeping. In the morning, you’re so tired that you eat all the instant coffee with a spoon… and about half an hour later the combination of sleep deprivation and caffeine essentially twists your brain into a Mobius strip and you start seeing totally imaginary things.
PC:
Like?
PHW:
Well, when I did a test run, I saw unicorns in my fridge… had a conversation with my bin… imagined I saw Mark Zuckerberg do a convincing smile… and even that there was a stable British government in place!
PC:
Completely surreal.
PHW:
I know, right? But if you prefer sleep to not-sleep, you might like our Somno-Vision package. It consists of an eye mask, a sleeping pill and this.
PC:
A lump of very stinky blue cheese.
PHW:
Eat that before bed and your dreams will be wilder than anything the Metaverse can produce.
PC:
I’m lactose intolerant.
PHW:
That’s okay. You can achieve even better effects with our most exclusive package of all: the Hunter S Thompson.
PC:
Is that a VR helmet?
PHW:
No, it’s just a scuba-diving mask. But the real magic comes with this: a half pint of Bourbon with added amphetamines and mescaline. Down that and whatever you experience will make the Metaverse look like an accountants’ convention in Milton Keynes.
PC:
And does it work?
PHW:
Oh, yes, I’ve tried it myself. How else do you think I came up with the idea of underwater robot spaniels?
PC:
Professor Hans Wirklich, thank you very much.
