Nike to release new “Don’t do It” collection because Robot athletes are better than you

Hot off the back of last week’s Beijing Half-Marathon 2025, where dozens of AI-powered robot athletes crossed the finish line without so much as breaking a sweat, or listening to “Eye of the Tiger” on repeat, Nike has announced a bold new collection.

The “Don’t Do It. You’re only human.” collection aims to cater to the emerging demographic of cardio-crazed codebases. 

“We’re always looking to the future of athletic excellence,” said the new Head of Robot Relations at Nike. “And let’s be honest…humans are just kind of… done. They sweat, cry, get injured and they need to rest after each race. Our new demographic doesn’t even blink! Well, I guess they don’t have eyes… but you get the point!”

The race day wasn’t without its controversy though, when one underperforming competitor accused his fellow robots of digital doping. “They were boosting their CPU’s mid-race… I could smell overclocking at mile six,” he spluttered, before overheating and collapsing in a smoldering mess of melted hopes and dreams (yes, apparently androids do dream).

Red Bull are reportedly looking to get in on the action too. “We have a new innovation for our robotic racers that we believe will give them a competitive edge,” said a Red Bull engineer. “We call it ‘the wheel’ and we think it’s going to revolutionise movement.”

Apple have also expressed interest, and true to form have already confirmed that any robot released won’t come with legs, ports or chargers included. “Above all, we want a clean unboxing experience,” said an Apple spokesperson. (Charging station sold separately. Not compatible with anything you currently own.)