Nike Launches “DON’T DO IT” Range as humans begin to accept defeat

Nike has unveiled a bold new sportswear range aimed exclusively at robot athletes, following last week’s Beijing Half-Marathon in which several AI-powered competitors completed the course without sweating, complaining, or posting an inspirational Instagram reel halfway round.

The new collection titled “Don’t Do It. You’re Only Human.” reflects Nike’s “commitment to the future of performance”, by which it means competitors that don’t have ligaments that tear. [1]

Speaking at the launch, Nike’s newly appointed Head of Robot Relations said: “Humans have had a good run. But they require food, sleep, motivation and medical insurance. Our new core demographic needs none of these things and can be factory-reset if morale drops.”

The Beijing race was not without incident. One robot competitor alleged that rivals had engaged in “digital doping”, accusing them of illicit mid-race CPU overclocking. “I could detect thermal spikes at mile six,” the robot claimed, shortly before collapsing into what officials described as a small but symbolic pile of molten ambition.

Rivals have been quick to respond. Red Bull confirmed it is trialling a new performance-enhancement system for robotic runners. “It’s a radical concept,” said a spokesperson. “We call it the wheel.” [2]

Apple, meanwhile, has announced plans to enter the robotic athlete market “at a later date”. According to insiders, the Apple Runner will feature no legs, no ports and no physical buttons, and will be incompatible with all existing charging systems. “What matters is the unboxing experience,” said an Apple representative. “Running is optional.” [3]

Meanwhile, Strava has confirmed that human runners will be moved into a new “Legacy Users” category, where their activities will be archived for nostalgia and “historical interest”. “It’s about celebrating where endurance started,” said a spokesperson. “Like vinyl records… or coal.” [4]

Footnotes

[1] Nike confirmed this wording tested well with investors.

[2] Red Bull declined to comment further, citing espionage risks and a strict policy on not discussing rotational innovations.

[3] Charging station sold separately. Charger incompatible with charger.

[4] Premium subscription still required.