Snoop to Blaze the Olympic Trail

PlanetParody was stunned to learn that the Olympic committee, in their infinite wisdom, has chosen none other than Snoop Dogg—a man whose cardio routine involves puff-puff-passing more than sprinting—to carry the sacred torch.

We managed to grab a few smoke-scented words from the unlikely athlete, who was quick to justify his selection:

“Yo, this is destiny, man. My speed came from dodgin’ cops back in the day when I was hustlin’. Then I upgraded, dodgin’ bullets in the hood. You can’t rhyme your way outta that without some serious athleticism. This body? It’s been conditioned on a diet of munchies and evasion tactics. And let’s not forget my endurance from running away from all those, uh, relationship misunderstandings. I ain’t just a torchbearer—I’m a living flame, baby.”

Critics have questioned what kind of example this sets, but it seems the committee is leaning into Snoop’s “everyman” relatability. After all, what’s more universally inspiring than a man who’s gone from rolling papers to rolling in Olympic glory? Somewhere, a Greek deity is lighting up in solidarity—or just rolling their eyes.

As for the torch? It’s unclear if it’ll make it to the cauldron unscathed—or if Snoop’s already converted it into a massive blunt.