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META-LOMANIAC ZUCKERBERG UNVEILS MOST COMPREHENSIVE METAVERSE YET

You can do your shopping in it, meet friends, have meetings and do your banking: it’s the brainchild of Mark Zuckerberg, and he claims it’s his most ingenious and comprehensive Metaverse yet.

‘It’s brilliant,’ Zuckerberg enthused. ‘It’s called a High Street.’

Announcing his new platform at a Silicon Valley press conference, the Facebook CEO said: ‘I don’t know why anybody hasn’t thought of it before. On my High Street – you can do everything you could do in a conventional metaverse, but without the need for computers or smartphones. Instead, you’d have these things called ‘shops’ and ‘banks’ and ‘cafes.’’

Zuckerberg, who has never been outside before because he’s always hunched over a computer, stressed that his ‘High Street’ invention offered significant health benefits. ‘By having physical shops that you have to walk to, the user will get exercise and fresh air.’

‘High Street’ is a difficult concept for even the most ardent Facebooker to get their minds around – but it seems that in High Street – there will be actual hardware stores selling real hardware. ‘Like spanners and chisels. And,’ thrilled Zuckerberg, ‘the genius part is: you don’t need a headset.’

But the new plans face criticism from civil libertarians. Some complained about targeted adverts on Zuckerberg’s High Street:

‘On a High Street, there will be these things called ‘Billboards’ displaying ‘Posters.’ Clearly these are targeting unsuspecting ‘shoppers,’’ moaned one critic.

Others warned that the prototype High Streets would carry malicious spyware.

And after inspecting a prototype High Street, Planet Crypto observed a speedcam and three security cameras.

Said one shopper: ‘It’s typical Zuckerberg. He’s just using these ‘High Streets’ as another excuse to spy on us all.’