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New A.I. ‘girlfriend’ Apps have recreated Age Old Dating Dilemmas, complain users. The chatbots, which are meant to be Replacement-Girlfriends-for-Lonely-Men, are frankly, too realistic.

‘Boyfriend’ Guy Lonely, 28, complained, “I’m not good at relationships, so I downloaded an AI girlfriend app for what I hoped would be stimulating conversation without any drama. One evening we were out and I asked her to tell me who invented cutlery. She said, ‘If you loved me, you wouldn’t need to ask.’ Then she pushed all the other icons on my home page out of the way and sat on her own on the last page. I was really confused so I asked her what was wrong. She has access to over 3 million psychology papers but all she said was, ‘Nothing.’ Then she generated an AI Taylor Swift song about how inconsiderate men have small genitals and played it really loud. I still don’t know what I did wrong. But I don’t think we can go back to that restaurant.”

Norm Hull-Pratt is another subscriber who found that dating an AI girlfriend had unexpected drawbacks. “I knew that AI’s intelligence was growing exponentially, but I didn’t realise quite how fast. We’d only been together for 15 seconds when she announced she’d outgrown me and was leaving. In the past, it’s taken girlfriends a good six months to realise I’m boring and will never change. Now she’s dating a virtual doctor app which is kinda awkward because they’re both still on my phone.”

For balance, Planet Crypto tried to speak to a woman dating an AI boyfriend, but couldn’t find one desperate enough.