7-00pm

Huge excitement here tonight! We can barely contain ourselves!!! Who is going to win this year’s Crapties?? Who is going to be named the crappiest of the crap in Crypto?  We’re only moments away from finding who has been named the Least Accurate Tipster, the Least Successful NFT Collector – and of course the ultimate, prize… crypto’s Villain of the Year!

7-06pm

The cream of crypto has travelled to London to be here. It’s sour cream, of course, because tonight’s nominees have all left a very nasty taste in the mouth, but still we’re expecting a night of dazzling entertainment.

7-09pm

The crowd outside are seeing the first big names arrive. Do Kwon was just on the red carpet. It used to be a white carpet, but he was pelted with a LOT of tomatoes.

Alex Mashinsky has just arrived wearing Armani. Damn autocorrect, that should have read armour. Alex is taking no chances over his safety tonight.

And here comes Sam Bankman-Fried hand-in-hand with Caroline Ellison. On closer inspection, they seem to be handcuffed together which could be a law enforcement measure or could be a sex game gone wrong. You can never be sure with those lovebirds.

7-31pm

Our host for tonight is comedian Dave Chapelle who’s just opened with a joke about rock, paper, scissors. “I’m not Chris Rock, crypto’s worth nothing on paper, and Do Kwon won’t be allowed no scissors where he’s going.” Much laughter from Do Kwon’s table at that one.

7-35pm

It’s time for our first award, Tweet of the Year. And it’s no surprise to see this year’s big hitters up against each other so early. The nominees include Do Kwon’s, “I don’t debate the poor” sent to the economist who criticised the design of TerraUSD shortly before it collapsed… Sam Bankman-Fried’s “FTX is fine. Assets are fine”, shortly before it collapsed…. and Alex Mashinsky’s “do you know even one person who has a problem withdrawing from Celsius?”, shortly before Celsius stopped all withdrawals and then collapsed.

But the winner is the turd emoji sent by Elon Musk to the former CEO of Twitter, Parag Agrawal. Here’s Elon accepting his award…

“I want Twitter to be the digital town square. And show me a town square that doesn’t have a turd in it somewhere.”

Thanks, Elon. It’s just the sort of brief, ill-thought, scatological discourse we’ve come to expect from the world’s leading promoter of free speech.

7-43pm

The next award is for crypto’s Style Icon of the Year. The nominations include Vitalek Butterin for always wearing a $10 Ethereum logo t-shirt… Alex Mashinsky for always wearing a $10 Celsius logo t-shirt… and Sam Bankman-Fried for always wearing a $10 FTX logo t-shirt…

But the winner is Satoshi Nakamoto for his cloak of invisibility!

There’s a general sense of confusion in the auditorium at that one. People are wondering if Satoshi is here? Oh and what’s this? Australian computer scientist Craig Wright has ‘done a Kanye’ and stormed the stage. He’s claiming that he deserves the award because he invented both Bitcoin and clothes. Somebody should really call on the security personnel here. It’s not like they’re hard to pick out, they’re the only people in the room with muscles.

8-01pm

Craig was eventually escorted from the building (while shouting that he invented buildings) and so we move to our next award, Tipster of the Year. The nominees have been previously profiled here:  https://planetcrypto.space/the-crapties-whos-going-to-be-the-craptiest-tipster-of-the-year/

They include the frequently wrong Jim Cramer of Mad Money, Twitter’s Il Capo of Crypto, Ethereum-pumper Arthur Hayes, and Matthew Henry whose prediction of the LUNA price was a mere 2,539,682% out.

But the winner is Mike Novogratz of Galaxy Digital who marked his forever love for LUNA with a tattoo. Here’s his acceptance speech: “This statuette will remain a humbling reminder of my stupidity during those rare times in the office when I’m not naked.” What a sport.

8-14pm

Next up is NFT Collector of the Year, the award for the bigshots who’ve made the most foolish NFT purchases. The nominees have been previously profiled here: https://planetcrypto.space/the-crapties-our-awards-for-the-worst-contributors-to-web-3-0/

They include YouTuber Logan Paul, footballer Neymar, Justin Bieber, Steve Aoki, and the man who bought the first NFT of a house, Adam Slipakoff.

But the winner is entrepreneur Sina Estiva who paid $2.9m for an NFT of the first tweet with the intention of flipping it for a profit, but then received a best offer of just $96.

Sina gave a very moving acceptance speech: “Please, I spent my last $96 getting here, can someone lend me some money?”

Asking a room full of bankrupt crypto people for a loan may be the second dumbest thing Sina has done this year.

8-28pm

Our next award is for Blind Optimist of the year. And again, the heavyweights are out in force. The nominees include Do Kwon for thinking he could just fork Terra LUNA and all would be forgiven… and Sam Bankman-Fried for thinking he just could tweet “I fucked up” and all would be forgiven…

But the winner is Alex Mashinsky for thinking he could change the name of his bankrupt fintech from Celsius to Kelvin and all would be forgiven.

Here’s what he has to say: “With the benefit of hindsight, I can see that the Celsius to Kelvin move was a bad idea. I’m much more confident in my new project, Fahrenheit. Please form a queue to invest.”

This year’s Blind Optimist Award also comes with a one-off Tone Deaf Award for Alex Mashinsky’s wife, Krissy, who pressed on with plans to market a Celsius-themed board game even after her husband’s company had left users $4.7 billion out of pocket. That’s two Crapties awards on the Mashinsky’s mantelpiece, if the YMCA they now live in has one.

8-40pm

The next award is the first annual Matt Damon Award for Matt Damon of the Year. This award recognises the least successful celebrity shilling of crypto.

The nominees include Larry David for shilling FTX during the Super Bowl ad break… Kim Kardashian for receiving a bigger fine from the SEC for shilling Ethereum Max tokens on Instagram than she was actually paid for the promotion itself… and Gwyneth Paltrow for shilling Cash App shortly before Bitcoin crashed.

But there could only be one winner of the Matt Damon Award for Matt Damon of the Year, and that is Matt Damon for his inspirational ad for Crypto.com. The now infamous ad compared buying crypto to some of history’s greatest achievements. Bitcoin has since fallen by 70%.

Here’s what Matt has to say: “Thank you for this honour. I know this award recognises failure, but hey, when I was telling you what a great investment crypto was, trust me, I was also doing the best damn acting of my career. Thank you for helping me raise the bar.” Stay classy, Matt.

8-55pm

Next up is the Double Trouble Award for doubling down in the face of terrible results. The nominees include Solana’s Anatoly Yakovenko who addressed the damaging outages to his blockchain by expanding into mobile phones… investor Tim Draper who responded to his prediction that BTC would be $250k by the end of 2022 by pushing it back six months… and Michael Saylor for bringing MicroStrategy to its knees with his ever-increasing purchases of Bitcoin…

… it was a close call between this man and Saylor, but the winner is El Salvador’s President, Nayib Bukele, who has heavily invested his country’s wealth in BTC and, the more it goes down, the more he buys. Here’s what he has to say:

“I would like to thank the drunk gambling addict I met at a casino who taught me everything I know about economics. His insistence that his luck had to change was an inspiration to me, even when it was interspersed with bouts of crying. This award is for all the dreamers out there.”

A moving personal story there that seems to have resonated with the many failed gamblers in the room tonight.

9-03pm

The next prize is for Shit Stirrer of the Year, given to the person whose constant sniping has done the most reputational damage to crypto.

The nominees are gold-obsessed Peter Schiff for his incessant carping about the coming death of Bitcoin… and legendary investor Charlie Munger for calling crypto “disgusting”, “demented”, and “contrary to the interests of civilisation”…

But the winner is Bill Gates for claiming that anyone who buys crypto is in a Ponzi and has fallen for the ‘Greater Fools Theory’. Unfortunately, Bill can’t be with us in person tonight, but he joins us live via Microsoft Teams…

We can’t hear him, sadly. People are saying he needs to unmute but I don’t think he can hear us either… now we’ve lost picture for a moment… hard to know whether it’s the founder of Microsoft at fault here or the Microsoft product itself… it seems like we will have to move onto the next award and make a mental note to use Zoom next time.

9-12pm

Our penultimate award is the Lifetime Lack of Achievement Award. This honour is traditionally given to someone or something nearing the end of their professional life. The nominees include MicroStategy’s Michael Saylor, whose balance sheet is slowly being poisoned to death by Bitcoin… former British Prime Minister Liz Truss whose Sterling-crashing reign lasted a mere 45 days… and Solana, which surely can’t be long for this world….

But the winner is the former CEO of Alameda Research, Caroline Ellison. Poor Caroline may well have many qualities but, seeing as we’d never heard of her until this month, all she’ll ever be famous for now is that she was sleeping with Sam Bankman-Fried and helped bring down FTX.

Here’s what she had to say: “I’d like to share this with everyone involved with Alameda and FTX. You’ll receive your share in around 10 years once it’s been through the bankruptcy process. Now, can someone point me towards the unemployment office?”

9-29pm

And so we come to our final award, but it’s the one we’ve all been waiting for – Villain of the Year. The nominees have previously been profiled here:

https://planetcrypto.space/planet-crypto-announces-the-crapties-awards/

https://planetcrypto.space/crapties-latest-alex-mashinsky-is-latest-villain-of-the-year-nominee-2/

https://planetcrypto.space/the-crapties-villain-of-the-year-nominee-matt-damon/

https://planetcrypto.space/a-stunning-late-entry-for-the-crapties/

Will the winner be from one of the three big Ponzi schemes that have unravelled this year, or will Matt Damon walk off with a second big prize?

And the winner is…

DO KWON! The South Korean whose failed stablecoin caused huge reputational and financial damage to crypto bounds onto the stage to collect his well-deserved accolade. It was a close call between Sam Bankman-Fried and Do Kwon but the sheer scale of the $40 billion of losses, combined with his unabashed arrogance and cat and mouse antics with the authorities makes him a worthy winner. Here’s what he has to say:

“You lose, losers! Do Kwon is the greatest!”

And with that, he runs off stage pursued by members of Interpol and many angry investors.

9-40pm

Well, what a night it’s been. Do Kwon is deservedly named Villain of the Year. And surprisingly, pre-Crapties favourite, Sam Bankman-Fried leaves the building empty-handed, just as he did from FTX headquarters.