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‘It was definitely Crypto’s Fault’, says Banker who forgot Wife’s Birthday

A banker today blamed forgetting his wife’s birthday on Crypto.

‘Crypto is to blame,’ he said, unrepentently. ‘It’s about time that digital finance was properly regulated.’

When his wife struggled to see why Crypto was culpable for the birthday failure, he explained, ‘Everyone can see that the Crypto industry is not making prudently sound decisions. This just creates instabilities in the markets, which ultimately, cause the forgetting of birthdays.’

When questioned why he couldn’t have least bought her a card, he replied bluntly, ‘The simple fact is Crypto is unreliable and cannot scale. In these circumstances, extreme caution has to be exercised in the purchasing of cards’

The wife said she was disappointed, but ultimately not surprised by his reasoning: ‘I’m disappointed but ultimately not surprised by his reasoning. Crypto seems to be blamed for everything these days.’

Nevertheless, many remain sceptical about Crypto’s culpability, given that the Crypto markets are not in control of the banker’s diary. And a dinner could have least been expected. But the banker firmly ruled out his own stupidity as a probable cause.

‘You’re forgetting that Crypto uses a lot of energy and is used by criminals,’ he explained.

It’s the fourth time, this week that Crypto has been blamed for things to which it was only obliquely related.

On Monday bankers blamed digital finance for losing various car keys. On Tuesdays the FDIC blamed DeFi for leaving a red shirt in with a white wash. And on Wednesday senators blamed Crypto for Silicon Valley Bank’s failure, despite the fact that SVB’s own bankers made a stupid leverage bet on US Treasury Bonds which cost $1.8bn.

When asked if he thought Crypto should be made illegal, the banker was more conciliatory.

‘No-one is saying Crypto should be banned,’ he insisted. ‘A healthy, vibrant Crypto sector is vital for the financial community. Because what else could be our go-to scapegoat?’