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President Biden has promised to do “whatever is needed” to prove that the collapse of three banks was somehow all crypto’s fault.

“I can reassure the American public that we will find a way to pin this on cryptocurrency so that you can go back to believing that U.S. banking is in good health.”

In an emergency address following the collapse of Silvergate, Silicon Valley, and Signature banks, Biden warned that the road ahead will not be easy, however.

“The facts do not look good. Silicon Valley Bank was only required to hold around 5% of its deposits in reserves. One of their depositors was a stablecoin called Circle USDC which, ironically, was 100% backed by U.S. dollars. Silicon Valley took that deposit and used it to make risky bets on government bonds which became untenable when the Fed raised interest rates. So you can see, of all the actors involved – the banks, the regulators, the Fed, and crypto – pinning it on the one that did nothing wrong will not be an easy task. But that’s why I have the top people in this administration working day and night to do just that. Heck, I’ve even got NASA involved.”

The President ended with a vow. “I understand that your faith in the system has been shaken. But I will do whatever it takes to return you to the blissful ignorance that U.S. banking works and to demonise the thing that is trying to save you from it. God bless America. And God deliver us from crypto.”