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So Crypto YouTuber Gabriel Haines went to find missing Crypto-pariah Sam Bankman-Fried in The Bahamas.

In fact Haines was so determined to stamp out corruption, he got crowdfunders to pay $10,000 for his family to come with him on his search to the luxury, sunkissed holiday destination…

Because that’s how much the Haines family hates fraud.

They ALL feel compelled to look for SBF in the luxury hotels, expensive restaurants, surf shops and divine beaches.

This is, of course, what all detectives do.

Philip Marlowe, Miss Marple, Poirot – didn’t they ALL bring their spouses and children when detecting in luxury locations?

Who can forget Sherlock Holmes and Nieces and Nephews in the Hound of the Maldives?

And no doubt the principled Haines family would have still gone looking for SBF if he was hiding in a disused Tyre Yard, in Shittown, Buttsville.

And we at Planet Crypto have extracts of the family’s holiday investigation diary…


The Bahamas. Having searched for SBF in the first class seating of our plane, we arrived in the Bahamas, and immediately started looking for SBF in the Nassau Paradise Island. We first inspected under our kingsized bed. But he wasn’t there.

So we decided to upgrade and look for him in the honeymoon suite.

Nope. Not there.


Went seeking SBF at the cocktail bar. The cocktails were particularly thick and gloopy, so it’s conceivable that, using a snorkel or oxygen-tank, SBF could be hiding at the bottom of the glass.  So we drank fifteen of them to see if we could find him.

But to no avail.


This SBF is good at hiding.

We tried to get smart – and asked ourselves ‘how do we get SBF out in the open?’ We know SBF likes the highlife – why else would he be living in The Bahamas?

So we then tried to attract him, using the sound of popping champagne corks. After several of those, we felt groggy and a bit giggly.

Hmm. I think SBF must have known we were onto him and he must have drugged us. We must be getting closer.

Resolved to try and find him underneath a lobster thermidore, with an iced plate of 24 oysters with paprika and garlic sauce.

But the trail suddenly ran cold. Better luck tomorrow.


Tried a different approach today. Asked ourselves, ‘where would we hide if we were a frizzy-haired CEO?’ And then it came to us: The Ocean. Clearly this would be a clever place for SBF to hide, as the seawater would flatten his tell-tale frizzy locks.  So I took my children and wife to go and look for him on a coral reef. Saw plenty of turtles, and a lionfish. But no SBF.

But the ocean is vast, and he might still be there. So on DAYS FOUR AND FIVE, we made driving trips to submerged wrecks, and took trips on glass-bottomed boats around the bay looking for him.  To no avail. We’re seriously thinking of taking a hotair balloon to see if we can spot him from the air.

Day SIX.

Looked for him on a Deep-Sea Fishing Venture today. Thought we’d caught him. He put up a terrible struggle. But when I reeled him in – to deliver him to justice – it turned out to be a bluefin tuna. Had to throw it back, because it was the possibly-fraudulent-CEO-of-Crypto-Exchange.


We actually saw SBF at a bus-stop today! We would have stopped to interview him or bring him in for justice. But unluckily we saw him as we were going into the Water Whirl Spa to try and find him behind the essential oils and full body-Kelp-massage bottles. When we got inside, we discovered he wasn’t also behind those, and an hour later when we came out, SBF was no longer at the bus stop. DRAT.


It’s nearly the end of our search. And we have not managed to pin SBF down.

My wife suspects he must have fled the country, and is hiding on a Kenyan safari.

But now, I KNOW where SBF is hiding.

He is hiding in the outer reaches of the atmosphere.

I need to become space tourist to bring him to Justice. On your behalf.

So pay up, so we can bring this bastard to Justice. Please.

Cash only.