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Unreliable, impossible to regulate man, drawn to cryptocurrency

British Prime Minister and untrustworthy swine, Boris Johnson, has announced plans for the UK to become a “global crypto hub.”

“When I first heard the word ‘Bitcoin’, I assumed it meant paying a ‘bit on the side’ for some rumpty-pumpty. Naturally, as a man who’s been unfaithful in all his previous marriages, I was immediately drawn to it.

“But as soon as I learned that Bitcoin is, in fact, a highly unstable currency favoured by criminals and blaggards, I knew it was also the perfect fit for my vision of Britain.”

Johnson, who hosted illegal parties at 10 Downing Street whilst the rest of his nation was forced into lockdown, and then ignored calls to resign once he was caught, is particularly drawn to crypto’s lack of regulation.

“Post-Brexit Britain needs to take risks. That’s why I led us out of Europe with its dull obsession with things like stability and human rights. I want the United Kingdom to be more like the early-adopters of Bitcoin – El Salvador, Colombia, Central African Republic – economic basket-cases gambling everything on one desperate roll of the dice. It’s just the sort of thrill I need now I’m bored with my third wife.”

And if it goes wrong?

“Then like our asylum seekers, we’ll pack the problem off to the third world and forget about it. We have a saying round here, ‘Let Rwanda deal with it.’ “