Investors in Terra this week began a worldwide manhunt for Do Kwon after his stablecoin cost them nearly $40 billion.
One of the leaders of ‘The UST Restitution Group’ exclusively told Planet Crypto, “We’re deadly serious about finding him and bringing him to justice. We were planning to scour every inch of the planet via satellite …but our budget is a bit less than it would have been pre-collapse…about 99.7% less…. so instead we’re searching people’s holiday photos on social media to try and spot him. If Do Kwon is hiding up the Eiffel Tower or disguised as a tourist camel, we’ll get him.
“Also, we planned to install facial recognition CCTV in every major city. But again, the budget got in the way. So we’ve asked some hotel doormen to look for a man that looks a bit like a potato. There’s a $5 bounty in it if they find him. It might not sound like much but it’s 20% of Terra’s market cap.
“We also discussed triangulating Kwon’s whereabouts from his phone activity but, again, there were costs. So one of our members is ringing every phone number from 00000 000000 to 99999 999999 instead. If someone answers, ‘Hello, Do Kwon speaking from my base in so and so’, he’s toast.
“Yes, there are other plans… we were going to look for him using bloodhound-tracker dogs. But, the closest thing we can afford is a toy-dog on wheels.
Planet Crypto enquired what resources were in place to capture Do Kwon should he be located?
“We’ve got 4,000 members across the globe poised to make a citizen’s arrest. Sadly, we can’t afford 4,000 pairs of handcuffs so if he’s caught in Europe we’ll bind his wrists in al dente spaghetti. In Asia, noodles. And in America, the rubber bands that get discarded from newspaper deliveries.”
And if Do Kwon should resist arrest?
“We’re hoping not to get involved in a car chase because our car is a folding pushbike. It’s not meant to fold, it’s just broken. But rest assured, if he also tries to escape on a pushbike that collapses unexpectedly, there’s a good chance we’ll catch him.”
Planet Crypto asked if they really expect these comical measures to lead to an arrest?
“You may laugh, but this is far more effort than Interpol have put in.”
That’s true. Planet Crypto wishes you luck.
