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It was bad enough having a crypto winter during the summer. But having a crypto winter during an actual winter feels doubly cruel, like moving to the Arctic and finding there’s nowhere to plug in your microwave. Right now, summer feels as far away as Solana returning to $0.30, and it’s not just our FTX assets that are frozen.

So to lift the gloom, Planet Crypto found some reasons to be positive for the year ahead:

  • Jim Cramer, the frequently wrong host of Mad Money, has urged coinholders to get out of crypto while they can, so a new All Time High must surely be round the corner.
  • If the author of Rich Dad Poor Dad, Robert Kiyosaki, is right and the US dollar becomes worthless in 2023, then just holding 2 Shiba Inu will catapult you into the 1%.
  • Maybe SBF, CZ, and Zhu Su will form a boyband based on an anagram of their names and call it F Us Chubzs.
  • BTC will surely hit bottom soon. Even if that’s zero. Then at least we can get on with our lives.
  • Satoshi will reveal himself. It was Jim Carrey the whole time.
  • Kanye will announce his run for the Presidency. Then crypto winter will be the least of our worries.
  • Do Kwon will be found, and he has the remote control you thought you’d lost.
  • 1 BTC will = $1 million (though $1 million will buy you a bar of chocolate)
  • Scientists will find a way to power crypto mining by harnessing the energy at children’s birthday parties.
  • To counteract the disappointment that it never works, the Solana mobile phone will come with an in-built Skittles dispenser. That also never works.
  • Lin Manuel Miranda will turn the tweets of SBF into a musical that’s even better than Hamilton.
  • Play-to-Earn and Exercise-to-Earn will be replaced by Sleep-to-Earn and Eat-Cheese-to-Earn.