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(* i.e. badly)

Paris Hilton is to launch a Metaverse Dating experience called ‘Parisland’ inside the Sandbox. Its mission is to ‘help people find love.’

But what does Paris Hilton know about dating??? If her real-life dating experience is anything to go by – here’s what players can expect:

  • You log on, excited to meet your first date on the Sandbox. Her avatar looks like Paris Hilton. So far so good.
  • Despite being a poor conversationalist yourself, you find that this isn’t a problem – as the Paris avatar talks and talks and bloody talks. Crapping on and on about nothing, punctuating her nonsense with well-worn clichés, like ‘like’ and ‘what-ever.’ It’s going well.
  • She asks to get engaged with you after the first date. You are congratulating yourself, as her avatar then hosts a press conference to tell the world that you’re ‘like, more beautiful on the inside than the out.’ And that she and you are, ‘like, soulmates and best friends and, like, love each other very much.’
  • Before you can make your own statement, her avatar instantly dumps you for an avatar of Afrojack.
  • When you immediately message her to ask what’s going on… Her avatar replies whilst being drunk in a bin. She apologizes, explaining she’s been partying too hard at the-virtual-Coachella-festival – and has snogged several of the Backstreet Boys.
  • Before you can reply, her avatar is on the virtual-TV News telling the world that you have patched up your differences, and that you are engaged again. The-Paris-lookalike-avatar tells avatars-of-the-Press that you ‘spend, like, 24/7 with each other and are inseparable. What-ever.’ Her avatar then immediately stays out all night and is seen dancing with a random actor from reality TV drama ‘Desperate-Simple-Entourage-Hills-Life.’
  • After declaring her undying love for Random Actor from ‘Desperate-Simple-Entourage-Hills-Life,’ and saying she ‘like, wants babies’ with him, she immediately leaves him, and returns to you. When you message her to ask what happened to Random Actor from ‘Desperate-Simple-Entourage-Hills-Life,’ she struggles to remember his name and says ‘oh, HIM! I am like SOOOOO past that. I am O-VER it. What-ever.’
  • Her avatar then drags you off to bed, saying that she is going to display her undying love for you. Next morning, your avatar discovers that all of the previous night’s make-up sex was filmed, and has had 23 million views online, already. When your avatar demands answers, hers tells you she’s too busy to explain, as she is to snogging a mystery man in Malibu in front of the World’s press, while shoving half a hundredweight of ‘baking powder’ up her nose.
  • She then immediately dumps you for no good reason – other than she is more in love with her pet dog which she carries round in a handbag.