‘It’s all Crypto’s fault,’ proclaims the President. Sure it is.
But what is Crypto responsible for this time?
Well, this time, it seems Crypto is to blame for his own failure to raise the debt ceiling before the U.S. government defaults on its debt. Biden has said he won’t allow any debt-ceiling-deal which favours “wealthy tax cheats and crypto traders”.
Well. It’s about time crypto took the blame for the U.S. carrying the largest national debt in the world.
I mean Crypto is clearly the culprit: Not tax cuts. Not government spending. Not the pandemic. Not Trump. Not every President kicking the debt can down the road… it’s crypto traders that are the problem.
We asked Joe Biden to give us 10 Reasons why Crypto is to Blame for the Debt Crisis – and he gave us these:
- Crypto is responsible because it doesn’t obey the rules. Admittedly the SEC hasn’t drawn up any rules. But Crypto would be violating them, even if it did.
- I’m already blaming crypto for global warming. Even though global warming was an issue before Bitcoin was even invented. But clearly, what’s happened is, Crypto traders invented a time machine to go back into the eighteenth century and created the Industrial Revolution with its belching-fume factories. So: if it’s capable of that, it’s probably to blame for debt too.
- Yes, the US is paying record amounts of interest on its debt. But we all know who broke the banking system… give me a C, give me an R… give me a Y… give me.. Crypto is probably also to blame for making me senile too.
- Yes, 12% of US spending goes on defence. But, er, crypto has been responsible for starting every war in history. The Battle of Carthage in 146BC essentially boiled down to Bitcoin vs Ethereum, as all wars have ever since.
- Gary Gensler has said that crypto companies that don’t register with the SEC are on borrowed time. And there’s a saying that ‘time is money.’ Therefore crypto companies are borrowing money. Proof: that crypto is guilty for the debt crisis.
- The problem during Covid wasn’t that ‘people stayed in their rooms and so the economy had to be bailed out.’ The problem is that ‘crypto traders have never left their rooms before, during, or after Covid.’
- Busy crypto traders eat a lot of toast. A toaster can be put on credit. I think you know where we’re going with this…
- Maybe Satoshi bought a sofa on credit? All those years he’s been AWOL would have hit lenders hard.
8) What else? Er, debt sounds a bit like Bernadette. And there’s probably a Bernadette that owns crypto.
9) Um, er, hmm… can we owe you the last two reasons? Just add it to our debt.
