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Gensler Health Problem Diagnosed


Gary Gensler has reassured the public that he is back to good health following a recent scare.

After he felt unwell during an interview about crypto regulation, Gensler checked into hospital where it was found that the hand up his butt that belongs to Goldman Sachs and moves his lips about was also pressing on some of his internal organs.

“I knew something was off”, Gensler told Planet Crypto. “Turns out I had what Doctors call Puppetoedema, which is internal swelling caused by being an over-used hand puppet. In my case, Wall Street’s puppet. Truth is, some of these Goldman guys have pretty thick arms – I blame all that college football! – and it seems that every time they used my mouth to announce lawsuits against crypto, an elbow was digging into my liver and the hole where my heart used to be.

Doctors told Gensler his condition had likely built up over some time.

“I’ve been controlled by other people for a while now”, Gensler confirmed, “but I was in less pain when I was being used by Sam Bankman-Fried before FTX blew up because at least his fingers were lubricated by pizza grease. But since these Wall St guys muscled in and forced Sam out, they’ve been working me non-stop”, he admitted.

“The Doctors said if I was going to continue having a hand up my butt moving my lips, then from now on it should really be a slimmer one. So myself and the Wall St guys have agreed that Elizabeth Warren is my puppet master now.

“Oh hey, here she comes now. Hi Elizabeth! Is it time for my speech on digital dollars already?”