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Heroic Gensler Protects Crypto Against Theft

He’s long been the hero of the financial world, protecting naïve investors against the crooks that prey on them.

But now, Chair of the SEC, Gary Gensler, has made his most heroic pledge yet, promising that he will protect your crypto against theft… by making it completely worthless anyway.

What. A. Guy.

Explaining his plan to Planet Crypto, The Big G said, “It sickens me to the pit of my washboard stomach that hucksters, fraudsters, and scammers get rich off the back of naïve citizens whose only crime is to believe that they can hold a currency that’s not controlled by me and my chums in the U.S. government.

“But don’t worry. By making it impossible to buy or sell crypto on American shores, I’ll stop you having to worry ever again about losing your investment… because it’ll be worth nothing to you, them, or anyone else. I firmly believe that every token out there is a security. And there’s nothing more secure than something that’s not worth taking. You’re welcome, friends.”

On behalf of everyone in crypto, we salute you, Gary. A middle finger is a kind of salute, right?