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Spring is almost here, but the most impressive growth has not been seen in the flowerbeds… it’s gardeners’ anger which is sprouting out of control. For irate horticulturalists are fuming at the annual comparisons of Bitcoin-Mania with Tulip-Mania.

A confused gardener moaned, ‘It’s downright irresponsible. I listened to prominent crypto-sceptic Nassem Nicholas Taleb, who said that Bitcoin was like tulips..

‘So I planted some Bitcoins in my garden, expecting a colourful seasonal display. And nothing came up; my garden looks colourless and washed out. I can only imagine what Nassem Nicholas Taleb’s Springtime flowerbeds look like; I suspect they’re very disappointing.

‘I learned the hard way that Bitcoin is a form of digital currency… whereas a tulip is a spring-blooming bulbiferous geophyte.’

Leading celebrity Gardener Alan Titchmarsh had this word of advice: ‘If you want a herbaceous perennial display, I recommend daffodils ahead of crypto-currency. They’re reliable and rise up every year, unlike Bitcoin. The downside of course is that mice will eat daffodil bulbs. Bitcoin..? – not so much.’

He added, ‘Bitcoins are nothing like tulips. You wouldn’t put Bitcoins in a vase to brighten up your living room, would you?… And conversely, you wouldn’t use a short stem bulb with fleshy leaves or leaf bases for online financial transactions between individuals.’

It seems that misguided Tulip-comparisons are seasonal. Noticeably, there’s a proliferation of hastily-written articles comparing bitcoin to tulips around Feb 3rd – the anniversary of the Bursting-Of-The-Tulip-Bubble.

‘The Tulip-Mania-Comparison-Mania has got out of control this year. It needs to be pruned right back,’ grumbled one herbaceous-border-tenderer. ‘I mean it was 386 years ago since the bubble happened; since when were 386-year anniversaries ‘a thing’? The only people who celebrate 386-year anniversaries are Crypto Critics. These comparisons are going up and up and up every year. When’s the bubble going to burst?’

Grumbling his way back to his greenhouse, he shouted over his shoulder: ‘I just wish these so called ‘financial experts’ would quit with the gardening comparisons, already… I’ve not been so confused since I tried to prune a hedge fund.