Alex Mashinsky, CEO of Celsius, used to be a darling of the all-in-one-financial-services industry.
He was an inventor, holder of over 35 patents, winner of the Albert Einstein Technology Medal, and a named a Top Entrepeneur by Crain’s.
But in the last few days, things have gone spectacularly wrong.
Because Alex Mashinsky has started uncharacteristically screwing up BIG TIME.
What’s happened??
Has the golden boy REALLY lost the Midas touch…?
…or are there more sinister forces at work??
Planet Crypto has uncovered the truth – and it’s a lot more disturbing than you might expect…
…for Planet Crypto can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that the Alex-Mashinsky-we-see-today isn’t the REAL Alex Mashinsky.
Today’s Alex Mashinsky is none other than…
…serial coin-killer Do Kwon in disguise.
Yes. Really.
Today’s Mashinky is really Do Kwon wearing a latex ‘Alex Mashinsky mask’.
Don’t believe us…?
LOOK AT THE FACTS.
- Mashinsky and Do Kwon are both famed for ‘inventions.’ Which don’t work.
- Do Kwon, mysteriously disappeared from public view soon after his Terra/Luna’s collapse…the SAME TIME as Mashinsky’s screw-ups.
- When his platform was failing Mashinsky was RUDE to critics …EXACTLY LIKE Do Kwon .
- When his platform finally flunked, Mashinsky untypically went quiet for three days. IDENTICAL to the gobby South Korean.
- As Celsius bombed, Mashinsky started banging on about how his ‘thoughts were with the Celsius community’…SOOOOOOO Do Kwon-esque.
We know what you’re thinking. This could just be coincidence, right…?
..Perhaps.
But more likely…
…PERHAPS NOT.
Because Do Kwon and Mashinsky have never been seen in the same room together at the same time.
At least recently.
So the two people MUST BE one and the same.
And now, Planet Crypto can reveal – based on no evidence whatsoever – that Do Kwon is posing as Mashinsky – by wearing one of those latex-style-masks they use a lot in the Mission Impossible series.
(Perhaps Do Kwon got the idea of wearing a mask-with-Mashinsky’s-features while watching
Tom Cruise’s back catalogue of films: a lot of people are doing exactly that, after seeing Top Gun II)
So how did Do Kwon manage to start posing as Mashinsky..?
Perhaps we’ll never know.
But it’s certain that he must have captured Mashinsky himself…
How?
It’s highly likely Do Kwon jumped Mashinsky, after he came out of a business meeting; gaffa-taped the Ukranian-businessman’s mouth and bundled him into the trunk of his car.
After driving Mashinsky to his evil hideout,it would have been easy for the founder of Terra to adopt his identity…
If we’re right – and we’re sure we are – where is Mashinsky now?
Is he alive?
Or has Do Kwon killed him?
We can only speculate…
..and we will.
Do Kwon does not strike us as the bloodthirsty type.
He’s probably kept Mashinsky alive.
But he’s probably tied Mashinsky to a chair in his attic, with a ball of socks stuffed into his mouth. And while the Celsius CEO wriggles to escape, Do Kwon will be leering over him, and cackling, whilst announcing his evil plan to destroy all the world’s stablecoins.
Either that, or Do Kwon has retained Mashinsky in a deep-pit in his basement. Similar to deranged serial killer Buffalo Bill in ‘Silence of The Lambs’.
Here, he will be leering over the edge of his sinister dungeon, with his Mashinsky-latex-features, telling Mashinsky to ‘put the lotion in the basket.’
..Who knows?
– it’s impossible to tell.
But it’s probably the latter.
I mean, there may be other explanations, but they are almost certainly less likely.*
If our theory is correct we expect the-latex-faced-‘Mashinsky’-to-announce-a-dumb-Do-Kwonish-rescue-plan-which-involves-forking-Celsius-into-‘Classic’-Celsius-and-a-new-Celsius-2.0 any day soon.
You have been warned.
….Watch this space.
* Some people have speculated that Mashinsky might just not have been as good as we thought he was.
But that doesn’t explain the disappearance of Do Kwon.
So we can confidently discount that theory in favour of the Buffalo Bill one.
