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The recent collapse of FTX has seen Crypto on the Front Pages of the mainstream papers. And Ordinary Journalists have been floundering – trying to write about something they don’t understand… In case they’re finding it hard, Planet Crypto has come up with a handy guide to writing Crypto-Crash articles… Because all articles about Crypto Crashes are basically the same.

The first sentence must include the word ‘Crypto’ coupled with a word beginning with ‘C’ e.g. ‘Crisis’, ‘Collapse,’ ‘Catastrophe’ or ‘Calamity’. Not all words beginning with ‘C’ will do, however. ‘Catfood’, for instance.

And don’t overstate the ‘Carnage’ of any Crash; this is not yet an ‘Apocalypse’ or ‘Crypto-geddon’. Save that for a couple of months’ time when Binance goes down.

To show you’re not a total doom-monger, it’s important to say something like ‘while Bitcoin will probably survive…’ and, if you’re feeling bold, ‘along with Ethereum.’ This will establish that know the names of the two most highly valued crypto-currencies and are thus very clever. But adding a third name, ‘Solana,’ won’t prove you’re more knowledgeable. In fact it’ll prove you’re an idiot, because that’ll probably go down next.

At some point you should mention ‘Regulation.’ Perhaps you feel there wasn’t enough Regulation. Or maybe too much. Or it was the wrong sort of Regulation. Or maybe you just can’t decide. In which case add a conditional and a question mark. ‘Would more or less or better Regulation have helped?’ That’s some nice fence-sitting there.

In fact, as a rule, the more question marks you have, the better. ‘Is this the end for crypto?’ leaves you much more wiggle room than ‘this is the end for crypto’. With the correct use of question marks, you’re future-proofing yourself and can basically claim you were right whatever happens.

Also, don’t forget to use the words ‘Ponzi scheme’ at some point, even if you don’t really know what they mean. And just to be sure, add one of those question marks. ‘Was Sam Bankman-Fried just running a digital Ponzi scheme?’ Perfect.

Finally, end on a suitably pompous but non-specific note. Something like ‘these are definitely strange days for crypto’ or ‘one thing’s for sure, crypto will never be the same’. You’ve not predicted anything specific, but boy do you sound wise.

Or you could choose to ignore all this advice, and go with a hard contrarian take such as ‘the collapse of FTX/LUNA/Dodgycoin is actually a good thing for crypto’. This will make you stand out from the journalistic herd and may see you invited onto TV news shows to give your fascinating and unusual opinion… at which point you’re on your own, mate.