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He’s the doom-monger always predicting the fall of financial markets, the demise of the dollar, and the end of civilisation as we know it…  now Robert Kiyosaki, author of Rich Dad, Poor Dad, who has predicted fourteen of the last two recessions, has agreed to share the visions from his crystal ball.

Is he paranoid or simply being cautious? You decide!

‘Beware! Beware!!! ‘Tis more than a folly, ‘tis more than a scare!

Today I must warn you of a grave danger approaching – an attack on mankind by the wing-ed creatures of the sky. The birds!

As was foretold in the Alfred Hitchcock documentary of the same name, the birds are coming to peck your eyes, pull out your hair and tear off your dental veneers… and there’s ne’er an Instagram filter in the world that will rectify that look. Why have our feathered friends become foes, you ask? Because they’re fed up with flying beak-first into windows and headbutting conservatories. And now they will not stop until every man and his home are destroyed!

“Oh woe, Mr Kiyosaki, we are doomed! Save us good Sir, save us!”, I hear you cry. Very well. Seeing as you asked so nicely.

Only one thing will save you from the birds. And it is right in front of your eyes… glasses! Yes, the very same that birds seek to destroy will save you as it has saved me. I myself have no need for corrective glasses, but wear them to stop blue jays feasting on my eye jelly… it’s why I also tape magnifying glasses over my nipples and wear a pint glass as a codpiece. Since taking these precautions, not once has an errant starling supped on my eyeballs, nipped at my nipples, or pecked at my pecker, so proof indeed that it works!”

Mark my words, now is the time to take sensible precautions – place a goldfish bowl on your head, strap saucers to your knees, wear a phone booth as an overcoat… and when the pigeons come a-pecking, be thankful that I warned you…

Oh. And also all the markets are going to collapse, and your investments are going to be worth nothing.

Anyhoon – Till next time, Doom-mongers!’