Legendary outlaw, Robin Hood, has criticised the amount of regulation imposed on his band of merry men.
Hood, whose business model is based on stealing from the rich to give to the poor, has operated without oversight since the 15th century. “But in 2018 we opened a crypto exchange to help move stolen virtual currency”, explained the fabled archer, “and that’s when our problems began.”
Problems that included a $30 million fine in 2022 for non-compliance to anti-money laundering regulations, the stipulation that an independent consultant should be always present to ensure compliance and, this month, an investigative subpoena from the SEC.
“Firstly, it’s ridiculous that I was fined for money laundering. That’s my entire business model. It’s the model of every crypto exchange.”
“Secondly, our compliance officer, Shruti, is a nice enough girl but her presence is, frankly, a pain in the buttocks. We used to be a well-oiled machine – myself, Will Scarlett and Little John would rob some wealthy tyrant, then head back to Sherwood Forest to get pissed up with Friar Tuck.”
“Now, I’ll be aiming a flaming arrow at a castle when there’s a whiny voice in my ear asking if I’ve made the requisite health and safety assessment. And have I checked whether it’s a listed building?”
“Will Scarlett will put his sword to some rich Lord’s throat and shout ‘Hand over your ill-gotten gains!’ Then he’s got to fill in a 35-page form to satisfy anti-money laundering regulations. Which is not the easiest thing after 15 pints of mead.”
“My minstrel, Alan-a-Dale, used to come up with some banging ballads about our exploits. But now his lyrics are like, ‘Then Robin did bravely, Satisfy Rule 7b.’ Honestly, he’s whinier than Adele.”
Hood was also concerned by recent changes to workplace culture. “It’s been hilarious for 600 years that we call John ‘Little John’ when he’s 7 foot tall. But Shruti says we can’t do that anymore because apparently it’s bullying. We’ve all got to go on an inclusivity and diversity course instead.”
In a further blow to the company, Robin Hood recently laid off a quarter of staff.
“People have speculated that it’s down to the crash of cryptocurrency. Actually, it’s because Friar Tuck called Shruti ‘a fine-looking wench’ and she got him sacked for misconduct. I miss the old days.”
