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$4.7bn Financial Scandal!!

In June 2022, crypto lender Celsius got customers’ tempers boiling when it filed for bankruptcy, leaving them unable to access $4.7 billion of funds.

In response, New York Attorney General, Letitia James, filed a complaint in January against Celsius’ former CEO, Alex Mashinsky, for defrauding over 26,000 New Yorkers. This is the same Alex Mashinsky who claimed that Celsius was just as safe as a bank, though with recent events in mind, perhaps he should have claimed that Celsius was no less safe than a bank.

This month, Mashinsky hit back with a motion to dismiss the complaint, claiming that none of the reasons why Celsius collapsed were his fault.

Maybe readers didn’t have time to read the 30-page document… and why would you when you have toenails to cut and gunk to clean out of the shower drain? Fortunately, Planet Crypto has read it and compiled a handy summary of Alex’s very believable reasons why the bankruptcy of a company was nothing to do with its CEO.

  1. I was in the bathroom when it happened.
  2. I would have done more but my phone was on 1%.
  3. I didn’t know what Fraud was. I thought he was a friend of Frodo.
  4. Bigger boys made me do it.
  5. I couldn’t find my reading glasses.
  6. You want the other Alex Mashinsky, the 5-year-old schoolgirl from Moscow. She’s the mastermind.
  7. I didn’t realise I was running Celsius in real life. I thought it was an extended dream sequence where I could do what I want.
  8. I was distracted by a stone in my shoe.
  9. I couldn’t get my pen to work.
  10. I have ADHD, according to a channel on TikTok.

I don’t know about you, but I’m convinced. Not guilty!