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SPORTS DESK The SEC’s Gary Gensler Referees Football Match


The World of Little League Soccer was thrown into confusion this week, when Gary Gensler volunteered to referee the match between the PeeWees and the Shrimps.

Seven year-olds burst into tears as Gensler interrupted the flow of play, by accusing the back four of of “co-mingling” around the ball, and banning them from passing to one another.

Said one angry parent: ‘His interpretation of the rules was bonkers. Nobody knew what was going on. He kept blowing his whistle for fouls. But we didn’t know why. My son was sent off for handball – and he was the goalie.’

Another complained that Gensler wasn’t consistent enough. ‘He kept changing the rules mid-game. At one point he awarded a penalty, because one of the players was heading the ball…. We asked why: Gensler said he should have been hitting the ball into the net with a hockey stick.’

‘It was harsh. Really Harsh. The penalty was a fine for $1.4m.

In the second half, the rules changed again, when without explanation referee Gensler replaced one of the goal nets with a hopscotch board. Despite Shrimp players’ appeals, referee Gensler refused to explain the rules of this new game and insisted that the game had not changed. He then proceeded to penalise the increasingly-exasperated Shrimp players for kicking the ball, not kicking the ball, stepping on the lines, not stepping on the lines, and having a name that began with ‘S.’

In the 88th minute, as parents and fans jeered “You don’t know what you’re doing”, Gensler abruptly ended the game, claiming that none of the participants had “registered” with him.

This was despite all of their names being clearly visible on the back of their shirts.

After the match the teams offered to swap jerseys with their opponents, until referee Gensler accused the home side of “wash trading” and banned them for life.

When questioned post-match whether he knew the rules, Gensler told local journalists, “I am the rules.”