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Day 45: Robinhood Shares

Day 45 under house arrest. Ugh, so bored. My stupid lawyers say I need to take my case more seriously so I’ve watched 15 episodes of Law & Order today. Mom and Dad bought salted popcorn when I specifically said I wanted toffee Butterkist. WHY DO BAD THINGS ONLY HAPPEN TO ME? I wish they were still on my payroll so I could fire them.

Can’t believe the courts have seized my Robinhood shares which I totally needed. SO UNFAIR. Robin Hood was supposed to steal from the rich to give to the poor, now I’m poor and everyone’s stealing from me. I’ve had to put my house in DC up for sale, which is the place I bought to store my DC Comics collection. Everyone thought that was hilarious and now it’s gone. WHERE IS THE JUSTICE? Some hoodrat shouted that in episode 58 of Law&Order and I made a note because it sounded sick. How’s that for court prep, stupid lawyers?

Felt sad earlier. Can’t believe I will be spending Valentine’s Day without a girlfriend. This time last year I had 10. Sometimes I wonder if they only liked me because I was paying them and letting them live in a condo in the Bahamas. Then I remember that I am awesome. When this is over I am totally going to ask out Giselle Bundchen now that she’s split from Tom Brady. It’s time she met a real man. I wish she was here right now. I’d tell her how pretty she is then ask her to fetch more popcorn. The kitchen is SO FAR AWAY. Ugh.