In a groundbreaking study that will take your breath away – quite literally – researchers at the prestigious Yalvard Institute of Technology have unveiled a chilling truth: Oxygen, the very substance hailed for sustaining life, is also a ruthless assassin.
“Through meticulous research, we’ve unearthed a startling correlation: every person exposed to oxygen will, at some point, cease to live,” declared a spokesperson, while nonchalantly sipping from an oxygen-free, vacuum-sealed beverage. “It’s a 100% fatality rate. Quite distressing.”
One daring faculty member, in a valiant crusade against this pervasive threat, has submerged her head in a fish tank. “It’s the ultimate act of scientific sacrifice,” the spokesperson commented. “It’s been three days – she’s dodged the Oxygen Reaper so far. Though, we do concede, personal hygiene has taken a nosedive.”
While skeptics argue that billions of people inhale oxygen every minute and seem to thrive, the Yalvard team stands firm. “Sure, you might feel ‘fine’ now, but the long-term prognosis for oxygen-breathers is, well, grim,” they warned, pointing to a graph with a line going ominously downward.
As panic fails to ensue, Yalvard’s finest are working tirelessly on a cure for oxygen exposure, rumored to involve living in a bubble or converting to plant life via photosynthesis. “We’re exploring options,” the team insists, “until then, hold your breath. It’s your only hope.”
