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‘Dear Diary, I am an Idiot…’

Diary entries by former Alameda Research CEO Caroline Ellison have been leaked to the New York Times, in which she admitted she wasn’t suited to be running the failed trading desk..

In fact she seems to have been more suited for the bedroom, rather than the boardroom, as more and more stories of her forays into ‘Chinese harems’ and orgies emerge…

Planet Crypto is excited to release some more exclusive extracts from the Secret Diary of Caroline Ellison, aged 28¼…

Dec 8th 2022

Ugh. TMI. I left my copy of Business for Dummies in the ladies’ room at FTX and someone found it. I had to hastily pretend I was wiping my butt with it – ‘because it’s sooo basic.’ Think I got away with it.

If only people knew what a fraud I am. I don’t know anything about figures, or leadership, but Sam asked me to run Alameda and I’ll do ANYTHING for him. His figure is SO sexy and I LOVE that mop of wiry black hair. He’s like a big sexy microphone. Except microphones listen and Sam prefers to talk. Still, I REALLY wish he would make a move on me.

Dec 9th 2022

OMG! Sam has invited me round to his place tomorrow to discuss “co-mingling.” This is it! No time to write, off to buy sexy underwear!

December 10th 2022

Phwoarr, what a hot, sexy evening! As soon as I arrived, Sam took me into his bedroom. He apologised for not having a spreadsheet. I was so up for it, I said, “I don’t care, let’s do it on the floor.” We crouched down and then just as I thought my fantasies were about to come true, he said, “The numbers don’t add up. We need to seriosuly co-mingle.” I thought – OMG! Not only is he the sexiest guy on earth, he’s also into polyamory like me! I looked into his eyes and said, “I would do anything for you.” He replied, “I know. That’s why I hired you.” Then he walked out. I was a bit confused, but then I realised… he must be arranging an orgy for us! He’s like THE MASTER at creating sexual tension!

December 11th 2022

Sam came up to me in the break room and whispered, “One of these days, you and I are going to end up in cuffs.” I nearly fainted! He must be into kinky stuff just like I am! Surely he’s going to arrange this orgy soon? The tension is unbearable!

December 12th 2022

It’s finally happening! I’ve been “arrested” (Ho! Ho! Sam is SO good at sexy role play.) Currently sitting in a windowless room with Gary and Nishad from FTX (I didn’t know they were into co-mingling too?!), some dudes from the Department of Justice (they’re excellent at role-playing, they sound so realistic!) and some guys in cop uniforms who I assume must be strippers. Jeez, this is going to be the polyamorous orgy to beat all orgies! Just wait ‘til they see I’m not wearing anything under my coat. The only person missing is Sam. He really knows how to build tension!

I’m going to start by telling the Department of Justice that I’ve been a naughty girl and I need to be punished. Let’s see how things progress from there!..