View Daily Crypto Trends

Binance CEO Denies Wrongdoing, Whilst Stroking Sinister White Cat


The Founder of Binance defended his company this week, after it was hit by a staggering 13 different lawsuits.

Speaking from a hollowed-out volcano, in the Middle of the Pacific, Changpeng Zhao said, ‘We have just made an honest mistake. 13 times. But in our defence, it is difficult for Crypto companies to operate, without a set of clear guidelines. We’re not sure ‘what is allowed’ and ‘what is not.’ For instance, are we allowed to ‘shoot down rivals with a lazer-beam-powered-by-a-diamond-encrusted-satellite,’ or not? We are still awaiting a ruling.’

Stroking a white cat in a high-sided white leather swivel-chair, CZ then warned, ‘If we do not get a ruling soon, we may have to take our operations offshore. For instance, Bermuda has progressive laws for Crypto companies: as it permits shark-infested swimming pools.’ 

His metal-toothed No.2 nodded in agreement, as CZ added, ‘The authorities know we wish to work with them. All they have to do is give us one trillion billion dollars in gold bars, and no-one will get hurt… Sorry, slip of the tongue, I meant to say “we are open to negotiation.”’

Playing with the switch that-operates-a-trapdoor-which-opens-onto-his-private-venomous-snake-pit, he declared, ‘So: tell Mr. Gensler I am expecting him to talk. All he has to do is come to my lair. …not ‘lair,’ I mean ‘base’… no, I mean, er, Headquarters… I mean, Headquarters-with-a-private-militia-and-monorail.’

‘Mr. Gensler will find me a reasonable man, and will find it easy to talk with me… Especially when he is strapped down with a laser beam pointed at his genitals.’

‘After all, we have just made one or two honest mistakes. We won’t the first people to be accused of Mass insider trading; manipulating the Markets; Issuing and platforming unregistered securities; offering and selling unregistered exchange tokens and staking-as-a-service programs; commingling and mishandling customer funds;   evading regulations for commercial benefit; failing to restrict US investors from accessing Binance;  misleading investors about the adequacy of controls to prevent manipulative trading; wash-trading; directing customers on how to bypass regulatory restrictions; permitting entities to circumvent sanctions;  and evading KYC/AML policies. These are simple mistakes; Anybody could have done them.’