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Since the Middle Ages, alchemists have sought to discover The Philosopher’s Stone, the elusive substance that they believe will cure all illness and turn ordinary metals into gold.

It’s a search that has defeated history’s greatest minds including Sir Isaac Newton, Leonardo da Vinci, and Ron Weasley. But now, a quiet announcement from bankrupt crypto lender Celsius has chemists believing that the impossible has finally been achieved.

Planet Crypto’s Science Correspondent, Sal Furic-Acid, told us, “Celsius has been sick for months. Withdrawals were paused in June and it owes customers around $4.7 billion. But now, its bankruptcy lawyers say they can bring it back to health by minting a new token. And voila, customers will apparently be magically wealthy again! Well, I for one certainly believe them, and the only possible solution is that they’ve invented the transmutation of matter.”

Even before the announcement, eyewitnesses had seen some unusual goings-on at Celsius HQ.  “Lawyers were seen entering the building with Bunsen burners, beakers, a giant wooden spoon and a cauldron. Also, ear-witnesses heard cackling coming from the building, which is different from the vampire-style ‘Mwuh-ha-ha-ha’ laugh that bankruptcy lawyers normally make.”

Our correspondent continued, “Even for crypto, where pretty much anything goes, creating a token out of thin air that will magically make 100,000 creditors whole again is frankly laughable. The much more likely explanation is medieval alchemy.”

When asked to comment, lawyers for Celsius said, “Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble. No comment I thee give.”