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Elon Solves It! ‘The War Between Cats and Dogs’

This week Elon Musk caused fury by tweeting that Taiwan should accept rule by China, and that the Ukraine should compromise with Russia.

Following his ‘helpful’ comments, Planet Crypto reached out to the unpredictable billionaire and gave him his own column in which he would attempt to solve more of the world’s problems.

‘Hi, Elon Musk here. No, honestly. You probably know me from fun stuff like rockets, cool electric cars and calling people I’ve never met paedos because they don’t agree with me. But I’m not just a paedo-calling funster! Oh no. I’m also a master of diplomacy and negotiation. As shown by my recent interventions in the situations concerning Ukraine and Russia, and China and Taiwan. By means of both twitter polls and an amoral, self-interested geopolitical stance, I’m pretty sure I’ve solved those suckers. Yeah, go me! Go Elon (me)!

So now I’m moving on to solving some of the world’s other seemingly intractable problems. And I’m going to start with — get a drum roll going in your heads, people — the war between cats and dogs! (You can end the drum roll now. With a cymbal crash and a cheer.)

So, let’s sort this feline/canine conundrum.

First of all, the way I see it, dogs are, on average, bigger than cats. Especially if you don’t include those stupid tiny dogs in bags that some people like. Pomeranian? That’s not a dog! That’s a hairball with eyes. Chihuahuas? Not dogs! They’re like a poo grew legs.

Sorry, where was I?

Ah yes, dogs are, on average bigger than cats. Plus, there are more of them. So what I suggest is… cats should just give in. Let the dogs win. And then, so the cats don’t feel too bad, maybe we could reclassify them as dogs? Just for administrative purposes. Maybe call them something like ‘unfriendly, less predictable dogs’. Though, that said, maybe after a bit of re-education they could be trained to be nicer. To maybe occasionally move from the good spot on the sofa and give dogs the room they need. And would it hurt them to say ‘woof’ every now and then? Or to actually like belly rubs, rather than pretending they want one and then scratching and biting you? No, it wouldn’t.

So, there we have it: the whole cats v dogs problem would be solved quickly and simply if cats just let dogs take control. A solution I’ve come up with all by myself, and certainly not after having a meeting with Vlad the Siberian Husky down the road or Zooming with my friend Xi the Chow Chow.

That’s all for now,  but I’ll be back next week when I’ll solve problems like whose turn it was to take the bins out, does the milk go in before or after the tea and that whole Arab-Israeli sitch. See ya, paedos!