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Silvergate, Crypto’s Favorite banker, is bust.


So where store your money? Under the mattress at Mattress Bank!!

The demise of crypto-friendly Silvergate Bank has left the U.S. crypto industry desperately short of banking options. Fortunately, a new banking service has been launched to fill the need for easy access to funds. Introducing… Mattress Bank.

Mattress Bank is the best way (and the only way) to store your crypto firm’s assets in dollar form. Just tell us how much you’ve got and we’ll give you the perfect mattress to stuff it under, no questions asked.

Storing your money under a mattress comes with many advantages:

  • Beds are scrutinized by Good Housekeeping Magazine, rather than the SEC, and they don’t care where the money came from so long as it matches the curtains.
  • You work in crypto so it’s not like you sleep well at night anyway. A lumpy mattress won’t make much difference.
  • None of our mattresses contain memory foam so won’t remember any shady dealings.

We’ve got mattress bank solutions for customers of all kinds:

  • Cot mattresses for companies with a tiny balance. Perfect for 3AC or Celsius.
  • Double mattresses for naughty lovers looking to co-mingle their funds (and more). As used by FTX and Alameda.
  • Travel mattresses for today’s crypto magnate on the run. As recommended by Do Kwon.
  • Twin mattresses for partners no longer in love. Ideal for Genesis and Gemini.
  • Pocket-sprung mattresses for assets that have somehow sprung into your pocket. Perfect for the CEO awaiting fraud charges who wants to hide secret withdrawals from liquidators.
  • Princess and the Pea option. We supply you with a stack of mattresses, but no matter how you arrange your funds, you never look truly comfortable. Ideal for Binance.

So put an end to sleepless nights and get your funds safely tucked away with Mattress Bank.

Mattress Bank is rated ‘Excellent’ by Pillow Sacks and ‘Dodgy AF’ by Goldman Sachs.