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Shock As Solana Blockchain Works Perfectly for 24 Hours

Executives at Solana have apologised after a glitch saw it work perfectly for 24 hours.

CEO Anatoly Yakovenko told Planet Crypto, “Users of Solana have come to rely on a certain level of performance – …bad performance. Last year the blockchain experienced a number of major outages as we successfully delivered on our USP – ‘Unsatisfactory Performance.’ Everything was going to plan.“

In the early hours of Feb 25th, however, the blockchain mysteriously began to work effectively, prompting frantic investigations at Solana HQ.

“Something went really wrong”, admitted Yakovenko. “The system started accurately processing up to 5,000 transactions per second, instead of our usual speed of inaccurately processing 42 or not processing them at all. Out of desperation, we did a forced re-start in the hope that would re-set it to being terrible, but unbelievably it got even faster. Crypto Twitter went berserk, praising the improvement and predicting we’d overtake Ethereum. It was horrible.”

After a stressful 24 hours, executives finally discovered the problem.

“It turned out that one of our engineers had correctly typed in some new code causing the blockchain to process transactions in a timely and efficient manner. As soon as this was discovered, he was fired on the spot. There’s no room for such blatant competence in my organisation. We immediately rectified the situation by replacing it with some completely unsuitable code from an old copy of Sonic the Hedgehog. I’m happy to say that Solana is now functioning normally again – unexpectedly forking, creating conflicting versions of transactions, and with more crashes per minute than Fast and Furious 6.”

After the debacle, Yakovenko has promised a return to the reliably unreliable Solana. “I can only apologize to developers in the DeFi space for giving the false impression that Solana could be a safe and effective host for your protocols. I can assure you we’re not.”