View Daily Crypto Trends


Day 73 under house arrest.

SO ANNOYED. The stupid judge in my case says that while I’m on bail, I have to use a basic flip phone. What is this, 1840? I’m the biggest player in disruptive technology and I’m stuck in a basement with phone that looks like a stapler?! And all because I used my smartphone to contact witnesses on Signal. IT’S SO UNFAIR! It’s almost like THEY WANT ME TO BE GUILTY!!!

EVEN WORSE, they’re making me submit a list of the websites I want to visit. GOD! I’m the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company, not a naughty teenager. So now I have two dilemmas – what to put on the list and how to sneak porn on there without Mom and Dad noticing. I’ve tried looking for adult websites that I can pass off as financial ones, but there aren’t any called Massive Assets, or Trading Positions, or Box Spread Opportunities. I even looked to see if there was a butt-fetish site called To The Moon, but there’s nada. So now I have to scour the crypto sites and hope Kim Kardashian gets in trouble again. Or type two full stops on the flip phone and pretend they’re boobs. IT’S INHUMANE! I bet terrorists in Guantanamo were allowed iPhones and unlimited porn.

Still, at least I finally have a running treadmill in the basement. I’ve worked a way for it to shuttle food to me so I don’t have to reach. I AM A DISRUPTIVE TECH GENIUS!