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With his time in the crypto-world surely now over, frizzy-bonced-numpty Sam Bankman-Fried will be forced to look for an alternative career. In an exclusive report, Planet Crypto can reveal that he’s thinking of opening a restaurant — and we got a sneak peek at its menu.

‘Welcome to Sam’s Diner! Where what you eat is always a treat — and never a cheat… honestly.

On our menu today:

Sam Bankman-Fried Chicken: a big, juicy chicken breast coated in a mix of herbs and spices whose recipe is totally secret —like FTX’s accounts — then personally cooked by Sam until it’s a charred, useless husk of what it once was… before it gets locked in the kitchen so you can’t actually get at it.

Sam Bankman-Fried Egg & Chips: two deliciously fried eggs with a whole plateful of chips. Well, I say whole plateful… but by the time Sam’s finished, it’ll just be two tiny burned bits of potato that’ll taste of ashes and regret.

Don’t worry: it’s not all just dishes based on the convenient presence of the word ‘Fried’ in Sam’s name!

You could have a portion of our delicious chicken-wings. Covered in a delicious, tangy sauce, we’ll hand feed them to you ourselves so you can keep your hands clean… because we’re the only ones with sticky fingers here!

Or if you prefer, you can bring your own food. We recommend goose. Bring it raw, and we’ll cook your goose for you!

Or why not try the Alameda Research Stew? Who knows what’s in it — we don’t! —but it’s definitely worth a lot and isn’t just a big bowl of empty hope and imaginary substance.

Then for pudding you have a choice of:

  • Ice-cream: a delicious bowl which we’ll keep just out of your reach so you can watch it melt away like your holdings in FTX.
  • Savings Crumble: yes, you can watch your savings crumble to dust.
  • Not-Spotted Dick: yes, because Sam Bankman-Fried’s a dick and he hasn’t been spotted in a while now.

Then at the end we’ll bring you a truly enormous bill… because in the world of crypto-collapses, you alway pay while the really bad guys get away with it!

Sam’s Diner: for the gullible twit in all of us.’